


Name Calling

by Aniphine



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga, Hunger Games Series - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, crossovers, cursing, height jokes, shameless jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-12
Updated: 2015-07-12
Packaged: 2018-04-08 22:53:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4323870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aniphine/pseuds/Aniphine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's the annual Hero-Against-My-Will convention, and Edward Elric is enjoying himself despite the odds. Until he meets Katniss Everdeen, a tall and capable hero with a strong past of her own who makes the mistake of commenting on his height. Circumstances have them jabbing, joking, and generally at each other's throats. (Edward/Katniss with a touch of something steamy at the end.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Name Calling

**Author's Note:**

  * For [saraisahugenerd](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=saraisahugenerd).



> A/N: Warning, content contains lame jabs, kissing and proverbial pissing contests, and spoilers (though not super frequent) for both Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood and The Hunger Games (a big one for the second Mockingjay movie). Benefits include a "hero convention" with random references to a bunch of characters, kissing and proverbial pissing contests, and Edward being the prissy bitch we know and love. Enjoy!

 

It was the annual Hero-Against-My-Will convention, and Edward Elric was enjoying himself despite the odds.

Well, was enjoying himself; until he bumped into a someone, and turned around to apologize to the tall, dark haired woman with a braid. Things sort of escalated from there.

Edward found in her full leather, armor on either shoulder, and with a face full of sparkling make-up. Wow, that was a  _lot_  of glitter. It took him by surprise, but then again, he'd seen a lot of interesting people in the convention hall that day.

She apologized in return for their accidental collision, but the look on her face was less than enthused.

"Aren't you having fun?" Edward asked when he noticed.

"This isn't really my kind of place." She answered, an explanation more than an excuse. "I'm not the "party" type."

"Well, maybe you'll find something you like." He shrugged, and offered his hand in conversation, "I'm Edward, by the way."

"Katniss," She returned and gave it a firm shake. "I'm from Panem. I was kind of hoping all this party business would be done when all the trouble there was handled. Or, most of the trouble anyways."

Katniss… that sounded familiar. Details here and there popped up in his mind as he recalled that pamphlet he'd been given at the door, containing a brief biography on each hero attending. Edward's short paragraph of a bio' had hit the high points, so he supposed it was reliable enough. Yeah, Katniss….

Katniss paused for a moment, her eyes flitting over his face in a quick but studious look. A small, sympathetic frown formed between her brows, but her polite smile stayed, "Must have been hard for you, being a hero so young. You remind me a little of my sister; you're about the same height."

Edward could sense something bristling inside him at the comment. "What - is she of average, sensible height for her age?"

"I suppose." Katniss said, noncommittal. "She's a bit short actually. But it's not really her fault."

That was the word.  _Short._  That was the one word that would ruin his day, and Edward felt his mood sour in an instant. It showed on his expression, and his lips became a tight, thin light as he glanced away. His teeth were all but grinding to keep his voice even, but it still came out sharp, "What are you even here for if you don't like the place?"

Katniss tipped her head with a shrug, waving her hand in a dismissive gesture. "Peeta said I had to, and Hamish said something about it helping out my image. So here I am." She explained, not offering any further insight into exactly who those two people were. "It's actually not bad though. They still insisted on the full outfit, but… I guess I'm used to it by now. They always insist on the eye make-up."

He chuckled, giving a quick, critical look over the thick, glittery display around her eyes with barely concealed distain. "Obviously."

Katniss didn't miss the look, or the tone, and furrowed her eyebrows slightly, "You know, you have a lot of attitude for someone so short."

His teeth ground together fully, the polite smile becoming a little more of a snarl as he drew in a breath. His voice was direct and raised a notch as he bit back, "Yeah, well, you have a lot of make-up on for someone that's supposed to be from an impoverished nation. You have security issues or something?"

Katniss' jaw set and he could see a response rising up in her. But before she could utter a word, whatever she was intending to say was cut short by an announcement across the overhead speakers. Katniss glanced up; Edward kept his eyes level on hers before glancing away. "The Unwilling Heroes panel will begin in five minutes; please proceed to room 5B."

When the speaker cut off, she glanced back down to him. Their short standoff of stares lasted for a minute longer before Katniss said she had to get to that panel and made her departure. The tall, dark-haired hero gave him one last glare, and he thought she might say something, but instead she turned away.

Whatever. Edward had better things to do than bother with her.

It wasn't until he'd walked another ten feet that he realized the "Unwilling Heroes" panel was the one he'd came to see in the first place.

-0-0-0-

He'd come to  _see_  the panel, not participle in it.

No one had warned him about it being more of a game show than a panel. The fact that Katniss and Edward both wore braids in a room full of hoods made them easier to spot, and – wasn't it his lucky day? - he ended up on stage, in front of a microphone, with Katniss across from him.

The woman directing the deal had a device on her wrist she was reading from. She was also the owner of odd hair and a blue and yellow jacket that said "101 For Life" on the back. Her name started with an "S," but he didn't catch all of it, so he just went along with whatever it seemed this "host" and the crowd wanted. Miss "101 For Life" kept turning around to banter with someone in the crowd as she explained the rules, so he didn't catch much.

The idea, he gathered, was to debate about who was the better hero – you or your competition. Bonus points if you were  _dragged_  into your hero-ing to a greater degree than your opponent.

"Well," Katniss started, "I ended up bringing down my corrupt government after they tried to draft my sister into a fight to the death."

"Well, that's nice." Edward offered, but the look on his face said he didn't think it was  _that_  nice. His expression seemed too passive, matching his next comment. "I saved my entire world from an ancient force that wanted to trap every soul in order to make itself a god. I also got my brother's body back."

"So where's your brother then? Sounds like you had a lot of help." Katniss countered, eyes lowered, unimpressed.

The animosity from earlier was as thick as humanity after a long muggy day. It clung to them like another skin, like enemy uniforms, pressing them both to jab. It made him feel defensive and offensive all at once. "Well it sounds like you did too! And you shot your president to win – ooh, how amazing." Edward scoffed, "I had to give up my leg."

"After you gave your leg away."

"Still counts."

One hand holding the microphone's tall stand, she leaned to look down the length of the stage at him. "You basically sold your leg. I saved my sister – you threw your brother under the bus."

The crowd ' _oohh'ed_  in unison.

"Hey—you don't need to pull cheap shots." Edward retorted sharply. He could feel the sensation of that familiar, sickly guilt settled in his gut, burning slightly like an acidic meal he wished he hadn't ate. "I know what I did, and I regret it. I paid for it, and my brother Al did too. But we made up for it. It's better now." The guilt was starting to crawl up his shoulders, and maybe that had something to do with the hundreds of eyes on him and a light in his face.

"Sorry," Katniss said, her voice subdued, lowered to a quiet tone that wasn't meant to include the crowd. Her head was tipped down a notch, her eyes focusing on the floor. "That was pretty low."

"Don't worry about it." Edward returned quietly, pushing the situation away as he focused his eyes on the microphone and nowhere else.

The "101 For Life" chick had the decency to move on. "God, this was a bad idea – next stop, _tear-ville_." She muttered, but voice echoing hollowly through the room. "Okay! Next question - why didn't you want to do this great act of heroism?"

Edward gave her a look, open but a little skeptical of why the answer wasn't obvious. "Um- I was a bit busy trying to get my brother's body back."

Katniss' eyebrows pinched together, "I was a bit busy trying not to starve to death. And, you know – get killed."

"I had a metal arm  _and_  a metal leg – both hurt like hell in the cold." Edward argued back, "Which I totally accepted when I marched north in order to - you know - save the world."

"You seem a lot more willing than you let on. You should stop over to the  _I'm-better-than-everyone-because-I'm-so-self-important_ convention." Katniss gave him a measured look; more smug than measured, but still measured. She thought she was winning, "I resisted my country's tyranny even though they threatened to kill my entire family."

"OH," Edward waved a hand, tossing his head back, "Don't even get me  _started_  on family."

-0-0-0-

The rest of the panel passed by in series of jabs here and there, and by the end of it, Edward was a mix of excited to prove how hard he had worked and anxious in revisiting more of the low points in his journey.

When they asked about those who died in service to their "heroic mission," Maes Hues came to his mind in an instant, and with it all the sinking grief he thought he'd long moved past. He supposed some things healed but never stopped aching. His only consolation prize was the pain that flashed across her face when they asked about Peeta being used against her; at least he wasn't the only one struggling. And,  _ha_ , he didn't have any love interests used as hostages against him – not really. So he got a few extra points.

In the end, she won –  _damn it_  – because apparently fighting communism trumped fighting soul-sucking evil powers. The crowd had the damn empathy pulled on them and he knew it.

Eh, it wasn't all bad though. So he shook her hand, congratulated her with a genuine smile because, hey, he didn't want to play that game anyways, so what'd it matter? And then decided he needed a stiff drink.

Wasn't he lucky; apparently so many worlds and customs blending into one convention fudged the drinking age from what would've been considered illegal back home. So Edward found himself in the middle of a slow-moving line towards to door, where a tall, stout man in black was looking people over before letting them in.

As Edward moved closer, he could see the large, heavily scripted sign above reading "Protagonist Heroes Only." The guy ahead of him sighed. Well, not a  _guy_  so much; no one had a collarbone that rounded and hair that was bone and spike. "Told Shepard this place was going to be a drag," The "guy" said, and as he turned around, pushing out of the line, Edward caught a glimpse of his face – oh yeah, definitely not human.

Edward smiled to himself, stepping up to fill the gap while he thought of all the stories he'd have to tell Alfonse. A weird alien dude – Al would love that. Edward's eyes followed after the guy, trying to think of how he'd describe him when he got home, until the argument ahead of him pulled him back. And, lo and behold, shouldn't he see a dark braid right in front of him.

"Would you just let me in already?" Katniss contended, exasperated.

"Well, shoot the target and I will." The bouncer argued back, waving a hand at the round target on the wall beside him. He sounded tired, but routine; guess this wasn't the first time he encountered that problem. "We've had about four 'Katniss'es try to step up already. Prove it."

"Fine." She amended, more bored than defiant, and her arm arched up, her hand grasping for something on her back. When her grip met open air, she whipped her head around suddenly- "Where- what the-?"

"What is it?" Edward asked, brows pinching together, confused.

She looked at him, surprise at his arrival dwarfed by her apparent problem. "My bow is gone! Where did it go?" Her voice raised an octave but sharpened like a threat; she whipped her head around, braid swinging, to look across the convention floor as if it had been lost in the commotion.

A dark-clothed man with a hood and a blue mechanical eye snickered from a short distance away. Edward had spoken to guy earlier, intrigued to see someone else with biological enhancements (and an eye too, how cool was that?). Wasn't his name Garrett? When he saw Edward shooting him a look, he cut his chuckle off short and ducked away. Whatever that was about.

"I need my bow!" Katniss said, her voice still sharp but becoming desperate. Her eyes scanned the floor, head flitting from side to side.

Edward's expression melted into one that was smug – yeah, smug; no point in denying it. "Pfft- step back, braid." His metal hand pushed against her shoulder to emphasis his directive and she backed up a pace.

Irritation already high, she glared at him. "You're one to talk about braids- you're a guy, what's your excuse?"

"Wearing it better doesn't call for an excuse." Edward slapped his hands together, feeling the energy coursing through him until his skin was a live wire. He smashed his palms to the ground, and that snapping, sizzling force inside washed through him like a rush of wind, focusing in his hands. When he could feel the power morphing, becoming tight and solid, he arched his fingers, slowly drawing that energy upwards. He could have done it faster, but quality would win out over speed in this case; and a moment later, a fully equipped compound bow was held in his hands. He bounced it lightly in his palm, looking proud of himself. "There you go." He tossed it to her, and in the short distance, she caught it easily.

"Wow," Katniss began, her faced washed clear of anxiety and anything but a quiet, impressed shock. "That's pretty amazing."

Edward shrugged, a shit-eating grin on his face and his eyebrows a forcibly casual line. "I know – you can praise me at your leisure."

She arched a brow, "Don't push it, shortstop."

The nickname caught Edward like a slap and his emotions turned on a dime. Teeth ground together as his temper flared. "How about I make it steel and you can impress all your friends by dragging it on the ground like a big braided gorilla?"

"Sorry." Katniss returned easily, defusing the moment with a word, "Thanks." She looked down at the creation, balancing it length-wise in her hand before gripping it tightly, raising it up to draw the empty string as if a phantom arrow were in place. When she let it relax, she smiled down on it fondly, eyebrows raised. "This is really good."

"All a day's work for a State Alchemist – it's simple Equivalent Exchange." Edward offered, shrugging though there was pride in his voice.

The expression she gave back to him was a meld of curious and confused. "What?"

"Equivalent Exchange – to create, something of equal value must be lost. Alchemy is the science of understanding the structure of matter, breaking it down, then reconstructing it as something else." He explained, his voice falling into the familiar rhythm; alchemy was always so easy to talk about. "Making gold from lead, compound bows from concrete. The Law of Equivalent Exchange balances alchemy out."

She looked interested, but not as surprised as he expected her to. Then again, they were in a room full of unwilling heroes from countless worlds, so he shouldn't be so shocked either. "So you can really make anything out of anything?"

"Just about." He replied, "It's not a good idea to make people – it being impossible aside, it's just a recipe for disaster." When he saw the question in her eyes, he frowned, "It's called human transmutation. Just take my word for it."

Something flickered across Katniss' face that told him she could take a  _"I don't want to tell this story"_  hint, and she nodded. "Well, thanks for this again." She glanced down at the bow, "That was really nice of you. How about I pay you back with a drink inside?"

Edward's face lightened, "If you're paying, sure."

The bouncer raised his voice – ah, so he  _could_  get angry. "No one's getting any damn drinks until you shoot the bow, "Katniss." Move along or get the hell out of the line."

"Oh, shit, yeah." Katniss turned around quickly, pulling an arrow from her quiver as she paced backwards.

-0-0-0-

It was two hours later and about seven drinks in. Apparently Katniss was transmuting the booze into sarcasm.

"And I was like, "Get that romantic subplot away from me! I don't want that shit!" But then Snow was a total dick about it. So I ended up having to roll with it." Katniss pursed her lips, sipping at her ridiculously colorful drink; was that glowing?

"Well…" Edward began, looking down at his own drink with mild confusion. His was a single color, but still glowing. There was a person farther down who was happy about it, but Edward wasn't sure anyone else was. Although, that particular person was also wearing full armor in the convention - which brandished "N7" in red and white - and was armed to the teeth, so Edward supposed it wasn't the craziest thing he'd seen all day. "I got impaled. Wasn't too happy about that. Really sucked, actually. But it turned out okay when Darius helped me out; he's actually a gorilla guy."

Katniss gave him a pointed look, "You're criticizing my super-fast trains and you have gorilla people?"

"Alchemy!" He sang, holding his hand out in the universal gesture of " _duh._ " "Alchemy can merge DNA from different species to create hybrids of people. Trains traveling at that velocity without turning you into mush makes no sense whatsoever!"

She rolled her eyes, swiveling on her chair to face the bar as she raised the drink to her lips. "Whatever, little man."

With the help of booze and a lifetime of this problem, anger rose up in Edward like a second identity. "WOULD YOU STOP IT WITH MY HEIGHT ALREADY, you friggin  _camera-whore_."

Katniss nearly choked on her own drink, some of it spilling onto her uniform, and she set it down with concentration. Once glass touched bar, she stood up. "What did you just say?"

Edward looked up at her, unfazed, but cheeks a little red; was it warm in here? " _Camera. whore_. The romantic subplot – remember?"

Her lips were pursed into a thin line as she glared at him, though her voice was reasoning. "I didn't sign up for that."

He scoffed, raising his eyebrows in disbelief. "You "rolled" with it." The smile he gave her was tight and in no way sincere. "Enthusiastically."

Katniss took in a breath, jaw shifting back and then setting. "At least I didn't chicken out with the only girl who gave me the time of day."

Edward's voice rose, incredulously; his hand setting down his drink in a swift motion without ever looking. "I didn't chicken out! I made moves – good ones."

"In the nerdiest way known to man. Or gorilla men, in your case." She added with the roll of her eyes, "I took my situation by the hair and bested it – and on camera, no less."

His eyebrows curved upwards and together slightly, and he gave her a look, "If you're trying to convince me you're not a camera whore, you're not doing so great."

Her hand gripped the edge of the bar to steady herself and she leaned in close. "Do you want to friggin go?"

There was only a foot between them at best, but Edward huffed, laughing as he lifted his drink from the bar-top. He took a sip and regarded her over the edge of the glass, "I don't fight girls."

Katniss' eyes were locked with his, unwavering. "Because you're afraid this camera whore could kick your short ass?"

"Because I don't think someone whose main mode of survival is making-out would be a fair fight." He returned.

"You are so full of it!" She raised her voice an octave, face twisting into a blend of infuriated and incredulous, but her eyes never wavered from his, "I could take you out in a fist fight  _and_  a make-out fight – any damn time."

He scoffed, looking down at his drink as he drank it in. "Yeah, whatever."

"You're already three shades of red, you arrogant midget." Something in her voice had shifted from anger, a snarl. It sounded smug all of a sudden, and something in her pursed lips had done the same, becoming a smirk.

"I am not!" Edward defended, scandalized.

"You are such a baby." Katniss said, rolling her eyes.

"Shut up!" He bit back, his voice too high.

"Then prove it!"

"Fine!" He stood up, inches from her face.

"Fine!" She yelled back, not flinching a breath.

They looked at each other for a hard moment, and it was then that Edward realized he'd probably made a very, very stupid mistake he was unprepared for. Redness spread over his cheeks as he realized his situation.

Katniss rose to the plate – she'd done it with Peeta; she could put this little asshat in his place. She grabbed him by the edge of his red coat, fingers catching the fabric of his collar as she did, and pulled him in hard, smashing their lips together. It only lasted for a moment, softening for a breath, and then she pulled away. Edward's face was scarlet, and he looked a little scared, but he didn't pull away.

"I win, half pint." She said, purposefully smug.

Anger rose in his chest, and he fumed for a moment. But he pursed his lips, sitting down.

He wanted to be angry, but neutrality was in his veins instead, anchoring him in his chair against better judgment. He looked away, not meeting her gaze.

_That did take guts_ , he realized, but why the hell he was giving her any credit was beyond him. His face felt flushed, and he wished it was anger. Edward's voice was flippant, but didn't have an edge, "Whatever."

**Author's Note:**

> So the lovely and absolutely insane saraisahugenerd informed me I had to "man up" and write her a fanfic. When I told her to throw a mildly tipsy brainwave on the fanfic-roulette wheel, "Edward Elric and Katniss" came up as a result, which she laughed and tossed in my direction. When she came back five minutes later frantically begging me not to create such a horror, I got right to work.
> 
> This is so stupid. And I kind of like it. I didn't think I would, but I do. I was too embarrassed to show my beta, so forgive any errors. Drop me a review and let me know if this has damaged you on deep, personal, "ten minutes of my life wasted" levels. I know it has for me.


End file.
